This you may or may not want to know

1. i'm so hyped up on caffeine, i have so much energy, i can't sit still, i'm stuck in class, i can't concentrate, and i can't stop thinking about him. it's like going crazy. and it hurts. how long does this have to last?

2. This is cool.

3. i don't like being single because i feel like i'm being preyed upon. :/ going out is horrible because it's just saying "no" for hours. saying no in words, saying no in body language. it's rejecting people over and over because you know your limits, but they don't know your limits. my limits are very limiting, and they'll be that way for a long while.

4. it's wednesday.

5. and this is funny.

just like you

I remember the dream where everything was perfect and real. Too often dreams are either too real or too perfect, but this was wholly perfect and wholly real. Just like you. It’s just like you to show up in my dreams like you are in real life, with your emotions 10 feet tall and your embrace like warm bathwater. And it’s true that you wouldn’t have shaved your face, so in real life I would have felt that sacred rough brush and seen every little hair reaching out towards me, just like in the dream. Maybe you wouldn’t have written a note, and you wouldn’t have been so suddenly eager, because if that were real, right now, I’d be in awe of your 10 foot tall emotions and floating in your bathwater embrace, and I would be flicking your stubble with my nose and softly crying, and I would be reading the note you wrote and my heart would be racing because I would already know the answer to every single question on it. But otherwise, it's just like you.

another shirt ruined

Girl in my Theater 25AC course: Your shirt reminds me of that song by the Pussycat Dolls. You know, "Buttons."


just fucking great.

The Pain of a Poli Sci major in a Theater AC class, Part 2

Note to Theater 25AC: Gramsci is insignificant, Adorno is at work

"Neo-imperialism"
was resurrected in 25AC today.
25 racy hands shot up heaven high and
the choir crazed it to hymn.

Then came Hollywood Hegemony,
Blondes and Big Bad Britain.

That's when I heard rotted out
Gramsci roll his creaky carcass
halfway over in his hole
and
in a mute and muddy salute
he howled a Golden Bear growl
before depositing a dry dump in my brain.

a plea

Dear Lord,

If you were planning on making women baby-makers, you could have at least gotten the hormone balance right so that we wouldn't be doubled over in wretched pain once a month. Or is this your sick, twisted plot to say, "Haha! If you think this is bad, wait for childbirth!"

You're not very funny.

Reverently,
Suzanne

P.S. The Divine Comedy wasn't funny either.

yes, it's vague, but...

Dear anonymous being,

i don't know which of you it was, but thank you.

A week ago i would have hunted you down and shot you, but the gravity of the situation hit me over the head this weekend. Today, hearing about what you did... that meant more to me than you can understand.

anyways, if you know what the hell i'm talking about, you should totally tell me who you are. cuz yer awesome. maybe we'll even go get lunch together. ;)

~Suzanne

AMERICA!

oh.

Avoiding 271 Barrows: Day 2

Well, I managed to skip Arabic again. I didn't even bother setting an alarm today (I intentionally set my alarm late for Thursday's class).

I really am not sure what I'm attempting to accomplish by not going. I'm supposed to write down my thoughts when I decide not to go. It's largely a desire to avoid the stress of sitting there. This class is insanely stressful to me sometimes. It can also be hugely rewarding if you actually do the work, but when I tried to do my homework on Wednesday evening, I just COULDN'T. So frustrating. >=[

I even created a disguise yesterday so that no one in my class would see me walking around campus. I wore a pair of fake glasses. A few of my friends didn't recognize me. IT WAS AWESOME.

wait, this is the stupidest entry ever. blah blah blah i'm going to go do something else.

I'm turning on myself...

A Poem for my American Cultures Professor

Hahaha, Berkeley Teacher
you're so funny
you made another
cheap and easy shot
at George Bush
to a fiercely biased audience.
Hahahow do you do it.

On Arthur

Emily majored in astrophysics at UC Berkeley, which helps explain all the astronomical imagery that blazes through this song and occasionally explodes into cosmic epiphany.

- from "Always Coming Home: Joanna Newsom" by Erik Davis in the winter 2006 Arthur Magazine.

This is currently my favorite sentence in the world. NAY! In the universe. It's cry-worthy (wow, i really want to erase that, but i won't).

Arthur Magazine is a great bit of reading. It's my required unrequired rag for when I'm feeling particularly out of the mainstream. You can pick up free copies of it from Amoeba here in Berkeley, but it's distributed at a bunch o places by dedicated followers (like my brother Steven, who had the grace to introduce me to it). It's got great articles on politics (no, not very conventional articles on politics), spirituality, music, etc. I believe the magazine's tag line describes it quite well: "A review of life, arts & thought." Of course, this is a review mainly aimed for hip liberals who have a rumbling penchant for the anarchic or wacky. Whatever, I like it.

Winter 2006 has a nice feature on Joanna Newsom - goddess with a harp (minus all the stereotypes?). Anyway, I can't stop listening to her new album Ys, particularly the song "Sawdust and Diamonds." Ten minutes of awesome.

In other news, you can expect me to be blogging a lot (unless, of course, i don't) because I'll be dragging my computer for notes this semester. I've always wanted to do it, but my old clunker was absolutely unwieldy.

freedom?

this morning, i did not wake up nervous or anxious or anything like that at all.

while i like to think i'm all better, i know this is not a permanent thing. it was brought on by my most excellent boyfriend and the (temporary?) cessation of my marathon mind.

one time i did something to myself so that i would never forget that i'll surely feel low again (an attempt to eliminate false hope). it's times like this am thankful for it and resentful of it, marring my relative enthusiasm.

anyways, hopefully natharr got his lost luggage so that we may celebrate his birthday at soup plantation. (yes, al. that's me being a responsible blogger.)

SHAVE OFF YOUR ENTIRE FACE

I don't know about you, but I'm holding out for the 10 blade model.

as much as i love her...

i might just be an annoyed, small-boobed girl, but this really pissed me off. Make sure to click the photo to see the enhancement up close (and personal).

Pan's Labyrinth

Totally awesome movie.

Yesterday, I was dragged out to see this Spanish film about a young girl who is actually a princess of the Underworld. Ok, so I had been wanting to see it, so it didn't take Brett much to talk me into going.

Pan's Labyrinth was absolutely beautiful. It was dark and haunting, set against the backdrop of WWII. I love movies like this; it was truly a movie for adults, a fairy tale pressed into a war story. It was brutally graphic at times, and I could never imagine showing this film to any child (NIGHTMARES).

It's playing down at Shattuck Cinemas in Berkeley. I recommend it for most people. I know that it's going to stick with me for a long time.

apartmental solitude

please don't coax me out of here.

that's all.

boogey man

i hope you're all feeling better than i am.

For your entertainment..
A Rorschach Inkblot Test, courtesy my MacBook.

fact: i'm not wearing any clothes

1:03 am - i wanted to go online and bitch about stuff to people, but it appears that most of the world is already asleep. talking to myself while doing ab crunches will suffice.

in other news, i realized tonight that i am not ready to go back to school. i have slightly over a week, but i know that on the day classes begins, i will just keep saying, "this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening."

Maybe i should take a semester off? If i had a free spirit (or something equally ridiculous... or a hell of a lot of money), I would drop out school for the semester and take up performance art. Or just reading. And writing. I'd land myself a sweet, sweet columnist position with Arthur Magazine (no, NEVER the Daily Cal) or lie around all day reading Hakim Bey. If i didn't have to fear daily Arabic classes, Cal Dems, or any other commitments i have a hard time turning down, then my life would probably retain a lot of its lows. but at least i wouldn't have to stress. and while i'd still be miserable, at least i'd get to do what the hell i would like to do. This includes:

*walking dogs a lot
*cooking salmon
*reading lots and lots of poetry
*rediscovering good music (i'm talking townes van zandt and shostakovitch here)
*taking a writing class
*taking some dance class (ballet might cause too much anxiety, jazz would probably be more healthy)
*lots of pointless trips (this is where that hell of a lot of money comes in handy)
*spending a month in paris again (always a good way to alter your view on shit)
*a good helping of sex. yes. there. i said it.
*moving to a hovel that i may decorate to my liking (largely moroccan influence)

in retrospect, it sounds like i'm turning into some strange version of my brother.

ok. now it's regretfully time to close this book. i feel crushed letting all these wild ideas go, but i know that i simply can't do that right now. I could say fuck society and do it, but i'm already too far in. The options are few, and some of the best ones are quite grim. So i'll say i'm sticking it out for the time being. and since i have a cumbersome sense of guilt, i won't drop the ball on other people.

I watched A Scanner Darkly tonight. I know there's a million messages you're supposed to pick up before the ones i chose to weigh me down. But really, we're all dying in the end. And most days i'd say that it's totally worth it. There's the love and the kids and the friends and the blah blah blah fuck your face. but man. i think about people and the shit they go through, and i can't help but think, "damn. that's going to happen to me too. i don't want to deal with that." and then i think about my head and how some things just don't seem to have a solution. even the best parts of my life are tainted. i don't think i could stand them falling apart too.

ok, this is getting more mopey than i had planned when i started. it's poorly written and a crap pile of vague emotions. let's ditch this shit. everything's fine. everything's fun. everything is one pill away. THUMBS UP!