fact: i'm not wearing any clothes

1:03 am - i wanted to go online and bitch about stuff to people, but it appears that most of the world is already asleep. talking to myself while doing ab crunches will suffice.

in other news, i realized tonight that i am not ready to go back to school. i have slightly over a week, but i know that on the day classes begins, i will just keep saying, "this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening."

Maybe i should take a semester off? If i had a free spirit (or something equally ridiculous... or a hell of a lot of money), I would drop out school for the semester and take up performance art. Or just reading. And writing. I'd land myself a sweet, sweet columnist position with Arthur Magazine (no, NEVER the Daily Cal) or lie around all day reading Hakim Bey. If i didn't have to fear daily Arabic classes, Cal Dems, or any other commitments i have a hard time turning down, then my life would probably retain a lot of its lows. but at least i wouldn't have to stress. and while i'd still be miserable, at least i'd get to do what the hell i would like to do. This includes:

*walking dogs a lot
*cooking salmon
*reading lots and lots of poetry
*rediscovering good music (i'm talking townes van zandt and shostakovitch here)
*taking a writing class
*taking some dance class (ballet might cause too much anxiety, jazz would probably be more healthy)
*lots of pointless trips (this is where that hell of a lot of money comes in handy)
*spending a month in paris again (always a good way to alter your view on shit)
*a good helping of sex. yes. there. i said it.
*moving to a hovel that i may decorate to my liking (largely moroccan influence)

in retrospect, it sounds like i'm turning into some strange version of my brother.

ok. now it's regretfully time to close this book. i feel crushed letting all these wild ideas go, but i know that i simply can't do that right now. I could say fuck society and do it, but i'm already too far in. The options are few, and some of the best ones are quite grim. So i'll say i'm sticking it out for the time being. and since i have a cumbersome sense of guilt, i won't drop the ball on other people.

I watched A Scanner Darkly tonight. I know there's a million messages you're supposed to pick up before the ones i chose to weigh me down. But really, we're all dying in the end. And most days i'd say that it's totally worth it. There's the love and the kids and the friends and the blah blah blah fuck your face. but man. i think about people and the shit they go through, and i can't help but think, "damn. that's going to happen to me too. i don't want to deal with that." and then i think about my head and how some things just don't seem to have a solution. even the best parts of my life are tainted. i don't think i could stand them falling apart too.

ok, this is getting more mopey than i had planned when i started. it's poorly written and a crap pile of vague emotions. let's ditch this shit. everything's fine. everything's fun. everything is one pill away. THUMBS UP!