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12.18.2007
a little holiday sneer
Question: What happens to all the trees that are left in the lot on Christmas Day?
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12.03.2007
3 Formations
These are some little figurines that i keep at the table with me at all times.
There's a wizard, a zebra in a dress, a large penguin, a whale, a shark, a starfish, and Dan the crab. Sometimes there is a fish salt shaker.
Like most people, i tend to have moments of boredom. I consider these aquatic pals to be my Boredom-B-Gone. Except for the wizard. he's terrestrial. but he could be aquatic IF he wanted to be.
So these are three different stacks i have made over the past week. They're harder to stack than they may appear, but i'm so proud of them that i'm going to put them up online anyway despite the damage it could do to my already itsy-bitsy readership.
a classic balance on a cup and a med case. the shark and whale are missing from this one, but you can see the starfish balancing behind the zebra and Dan hanging off his arm.
a pyramid of sorts! look, i even signed the picture! Dan is, of course, the star here, taking center stack.
perhaps the most daring stack of all? This column took quite a while to build and stabilize. i feel really bad for the zebra. Hey, you can get a really cool look at the place mat i recently bought.
Wow, this post makes me look like a five-year-old.
i'm gunna go hide in my yurt.
There's a wizard, a zebra in a dress, a large penguin, a whale, a shark, a starfish, and Dan the crab. Sometimes there is a fish salt shaker.
Like most people, i tend to have moments of boredom. I consider these aquatic pals to be my Boredom-B-Gone. Except for the wizard. he's terrestrial. but he could be aquatic IF he wanted to be.
So these are three different stacks i have made over the past week. They're harder to stack than they may appear, but i'm so proud of them that i'm going to put them up online anyway despite the damage it could do to my already itsy-bitsy readership.
a classic balance on a cup and a med case. the shark and whale are missing from this one, but you can see the starfish balancing behind the zebra and Dan hanging off his arm.
a pyramid of sorts! look, i even signed the picture! Dan is, of course, the star here, taking center stack.
perhaps the most daring stack of all? This column took quite a while to build and stabilize. i feel really bad for the zebra. Hey, you can get a really cool look at the place mat i recently bought.
Wow, this post makes me look like a five-year-old.
i'm gunna go hide in my yurt.
12.02.2007
i hurt for a... YURT
Q: what more could i ask for than circular, ecological dwelling and a field full of sheep?
A: a bat with which i shall beat the dirty hippies away.
www.yurts.com
Amen.
A: a bat with which i shall beat the dirty hippies away.
www.yurts.com
Amen.
11.30.2007
STACK ATTACK
things i have stacked lately:
really expensive food models AKA "worst sandwich ever"
>collaboration with M.F.
*holding breath*
TAAA-DAAAA!
all things must come to an end
TO BE CONTINUED
really expensive food models AKA "worst sandwich ever"
>collaboration with M.F.
*holding breath*
TAAA-DAAAA!
all things must come to an end
TO BE CONTINUED
New World Record or something....
I think I may have achieved a human first yesterday.
I accidentally elbowed myself in the stomach.
It hurt. Bad.
I was trying to open a door.
right arm: poised to open door, elbow tucked towards stomach
door: heavier than it appears
body: puts weight on door, runs into elbow
right elbow: embeds itself into stomach
body: buckles over, yet tries to maintain dignity until outside the store
Believe me. It's so very possible and painful.
Happy Holidays
I accidentally elbowed myself in the stomach.
It hurt. Bad.
I was trying to open a door.
right arm: poised to open door, elbow tucked towards stomach
door: heavier than it appears
body: puts weight on door, runs into elbow
right elbow: embeds itself into stomach
body: buckles over, yet tries to maintain dignity until outside the store
Believe me. It's so very possible and painful.
Happy Holidays
11.25.2007
Turkey Hangover
My family strategically positioned themselves to make it nearly impossible to escape the family room. I considered waking them up, but then i realized i have self-interests and wanted to use the bathroom before them.
11.21.2007
pay special attention to the italics, please
Uh-oh. The mannequins at Limited Too might have bigger boobs than i do.
I've been out-boobed by a five foot tall pre-teen mannequin.
At least i have 10 or so inches on their short, scrawny asses.
I've been out-boobed by a five foot tall pre-teen mannequin.
At least i have 10 or so inches on their short, scrawny asses.
11.19.2007
Monks: Total Tools
So my friend recently spoke to a monk on the street.
Uh-oh.
I think monks are really cool and all, but only on a theoretical level. You have to wonder what actually drives one to the ascetic life of a monk (and I mean hardcore robe-donning type). It's clearly not a mainstream human being that does this, and i know a whole lot of non-mainstream folk who don't become monks either. Monks have to have a special mix of love for bald heads and an affinity for strict dogma, which basically makes them Neo-Nazis.
I know there's a monk in every monastery who will make me feel like a complete assmunch for assuming he's an Aryan Abbot (instead of a totally enlightened Patrick Stewart), but i just had to come out and say it. Yes, I think monks are theoretically awesome and really cool in some situations, but too many people say that they'd just looooooove to be a monk. Guys, it's probably pretty boring at times. And your head i likely to get cold. And the clothes look like they itch. Who actually chooses that lifestyle?
And I don't know if i'd want a monk as a friend. Yeah, you'd get the chance to say "My friend THE MONK" but for every person who thought it was cool, you'd get another person thinking that you're just full of shit. (See, I used to be able to say, "My boyfriend is an actual Ninja." Most of my time was either spent explaining how that was true or just being sorta embarrassed.)
Hanging out with a monk might not be as enlightening as it may seem. I sense that i'd feel really guilty and stupid while they'd be using mystic mantras to steer ghostly swoops around my corporal body with their divine aura. Everyday conversations would just plain blow.
Me: When is the next train?
Normal Friend: Same time tomorrow.
Me: Oh, what time is it now?
Normal Friend: Five.
Monk Friend: *gliding in* This day will not come again. Each minute is a priceless gem.
Me: Um...
Monk Friend: *glowing* No need to check your watch. The time is now.
Me: Man, fuck you and your glowing.
Or...
Me: *Painting portrait* Seriously dude, I need you to stop moving or this is going to look like shit.
Monk Friend: It is not I. It is your mind that is moving.
Me: ...Right. But it's really gonna look like shit if you keep shifting.
Monk Friend: It is not the painting that looks like shit, it is you-
Me: OH COME ON! YOU CAN'T BE A REAL PERSON!
Monks: Theoretically Awesome, yet realistically creepy.
wow, so i wrote all of that just to get to these pictures i really want to show you. That friend I talked about way up at the beginning? He ended up buying a book from said monk, and it had all these AMAZING drawings in it. Now, I don't have any desire to go to hell or be reincarnated as Phil Angelides, so I'll do little more than make my observations and leave it as that (if i can hold myself back).
While I originally found these in my friend's book, these photos are courtesy krishna.com (i think).
This is an impressive drawing, to say the least. I'd just like to call your attention to the fetus flying through space.
I laughed, I cried, but I don't even know where to begin with this karmic drawing.
I think I'll let monks have a break now.
Uh-oh.
I think monks are really cool and all, but only on a theoretical level. You have to wonder what actually drives one to the ascetic life of a monk (and I mean hardcore robe-donning type). It's clearly not a mainstream human being that does this, and i know a whole lot of non-mainstream folk who don't become monks either. Monks have to have a special mix of love for bald heads and an affinity for strict dogma, which basically makes them Neo-Nazis.
I know there's a monk in every monastery who will make me feel like a complete assmunch for assuming he's an Aryan Abbot (instead of a totally enlightened Patrick Stewart), but i just had to come out and say it. Yes, I think monks are theoretically awesome and really cool in some situations, but too many people say that they'd just looooooove to be a monk. Guys, it's probably pretty boring at times. And your head i likely to get cold. And the clothes look like they itch. Who actually chooses that lifestyle?
And I don't know if i'd want a monk as a friend. Yeah, you'd get the chance to say "My friend THE MONK" but for every person who thought it was cool, you'd get another person thinking that you're just full of shit. (See, I used to be able to say, "My boyfriend is an actual Ninja." Most of my time was either spent explaining how that was true or just being sorta embarrassed.)
Hanging out with a monk might not be as enlightening as it may seem. I sense that i'd feel really guilty and stupid while they'd be using mystic mantras to steer ghostly swoops around my corporal body with their divine aura. Everyday conversations would just plain blow.
Me: When is the next train?
Normal Friend: Same time tomorrow.
Me: Oh, what time is it now?
Normal Friend: Five.
Monk Friend: *gliding in* This day will not come again. Each minute is a priceless gem.
Me: Um...
Monk Friend: *glowing* No need to check your watch. The time is now.
Me: Man, fuck you and your glowing.
Or...
Me: *Painting portrait* Seriously dude, I need you to stop moving or this is going to look like shit.
Monk Friend: It is not I. It is your mind that is moving.
Me: ...Right. But it's really gonna look like shit if you keep shifting.
Monk Friend: It is not the painting that looks like shit, it is you-
Me: OH COME ON! YOU CAN'T BE A REAL PERSON!
Monks: Theoretically Awesome, yet realistically creepy.
wow, so i wrote all of that just to get to these pictures i really want to show you. That friend I talked about way up at the beginning? He ended up buying a book from said monk, and it had all these AMAZING drawings in it. Now, I don't have any desire to go to hell or be reincarnated as Phil Angelides, so I'll do little more than make my observations and leave it as that (if i can hold myself back).
While I originally found these in my friend's book, these photos are courtesy krishna.com (i think).
This is an impressive drawing, to say the least. I'd just like to call your attention to the fetus flying through space.
I laughed, I cried, but I don't even know where to begin with this karmic drawing.
I think I'll let monks have a break now.
11.17.2007
in the balance
Tonight I was driving home listening to some really lame music, but it was OK because i was wearing a really cool sweater.
11.16.2007
holy shit
Recent events have shown me how i've lost touch with the real world. And by "real world", i mean Berkeley.
I ditched out of Berkeley quite a few months ago to take care of some things back at home. When i left, a lot of things were... shitty, and since i've been at home, things have been about 1,000,000% better. So, in my mind, things have returned to exactly the Berkeley-status i like - i feel good, i have good relationships with people (and the promise of good relationships), and people unquestionably know me for the 1,000,000% awesomer person i am now.
My mind took a still shot of berkeley, and those images, without the bad stuff, have been carved into my mind over the past few months. i expect all to see me like i never bailed out, like i'm that rockstar i was. I neglected to remember that people change and grow and probably remember me as that crazy person i was before i left.
holy shit. What a wake-up call. I thought i didn't need to do shit to pop back into my place. You're telling me i have to earn people's hearts and minds back?
I feel like some stupid politician trying to get reelected.
Note: "Hella" is pandering to my East Bay constituency.
If you would like to donate to my campaign, to keep the spirit of Berkeley alive, please go to my facebook wall and talk about how hella cool i am. Or if you would like to volunteer, i can give you a script with a bunch of lines about how berkeley hella needs hella cool people, like suzanne. Then we'll add in something like "hyphy" and get Oakland in on the spirit too.
This is my masterminded political campaign. I clearly forgot everything I learned in Dan Schnur's class.
I ditched out of Berkeley quite a few months ago to take care of some things back at home. When i left, a lot of things were... shitty, and since i've been at home, things have been about 1,000,000% better. So, in my mind, things have returned to exactly the Berkeley-status i like - i feel good, i have good relationships with people (and the promise of good relationships), and people unquestionably know me for the 1,000,000% awesomer person i am now.
My mind took a still shot of berkeley, and those images, without the bad stuff, have been carved into my mind over the past few months. i expect all to see me like i never bailed out, like i'm that rockstar i was. I neglected to remember that people change and grow and probably remember me as that crazy person i was before i left.
holy shit. What a wake-up call. I thought i didn't need to do shit to pop back into my place. You're telling me i have to earn people's hearts and minds back?
I feel like some stupid politician trying to get reelected.
Note: "Hella" is pandering to my East Bay constituency.
If you would like to donate to my campaign, to keep the spirit of Berkeley alive, please go to my facebook wall and talk about how hella cool i am. Or if you would like to volunteer, i can give you a script with a bunch of lines about how berkeley hella needs hella cool people, like suzanne. Then we'll add in something like "hyphy" and get Oakland in on the spirit too.
This is my masterminded political campaign. I clearly forgot everything I learned in Dan Schnur's class.
10.23.2007
I CAST WITCH FIRE ON YOUR MAGE!
For the last 36 hours I have been holed up with my family in our Encinitas home. We've been given an advisory evacuation order and packed our car with our worldly possessions in order to prepare for a flight from the Witch Creek Fire (the coolest sounding fire of all - "I cast Witch Creek Fire on your mage!"). Thank bob the residents of quite nearby Olivenhain have been permitted to go back to their homes. It appears that we're gonna be ok right now. Phew.
This whole ordeal has led me to realize many things, but the most important lesson was taught to me by Department of Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff when he said, "Nobody does disasters like California."
...
Yikes, Chertoff. Yikes.
Other horrible news: 21,000 Avocado trees burned in San Diego. Each tree yields 550 avocados! That's 11,550,000 delicious, fatty avocados. Avocado prices will be soaring. Bummerrrrr.
On another note, I saw a news piece on a forum of wives of Presidential candidates, and Cindy McCain looked like the living dead. she's an attractive old lady, but she pulls it off so well that it gives me heebie jeebs. Her clothes and hair belongs to a 25-year-old. Her face, under the lighting, belonged to the army of the dead. An eerie combination.
This whole ordeal has led me to realize many things, but the most important lesson was taught to me by Department of Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff when he said, "Nobody does disasters like California."
...
Yikes, Chertoff. Yikes.
Other horrible news: 21,000 Avocado trees burned in San Diego. Each tree yields 550 avocados! That's 11,550,000 delicious, fatty avocados. Avocado prices will be soaring. Bummerrrrr.
On another note, I saw a news piece on a forum of wives of Presidential candidates, and Cindy McCain looked like the living dead. she's an attractive old lady, but she pulls it off so well that it gives me heebie jeebs. Her clothes and hair belongs to a 25-year-old. Her face, under the lighting, belonged to the army of the dead. An eerie combination.
10.18.2007
2007 Lyttle Lytton Contest!!!
I've definitely sent you there before, dear reader, but return! Amazing humorists have sent in their entries, which are presented for your pleasure. Lyttle Lytton is a contest to find or write the most unintentionally funny beginning of a novel. i suggest perusing all about the site.
http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html
much love to all.
http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html
much love to all.
8.24.2007
think this is something you want to do?
It's what I'm into: Flight of the Conchords.
Every Sunday @ 10:30 on HBO.
3.10.2007
GET OUT OF TOWN NOW
WARNING!!!
Yesterday, I was walking down Durant, minding my own fucking business, when this BRIGHT GREEN FLIER pushed its fat ass into my line of sight.
"CalSERVE: 6-week countdown to REAL STUDENT POWER"
that is when i promptly threw myself into oncoming traffic.
or not, but the point of this post is evident. ASUC elections are coming, and just like the fucking 2008 presidential hopefuls, these people are not wasting any time (except yours and mine).
Yes, i ran a campaign last year (believe me, i have a decade in purgatory coming for that one), but i have the distinct feeling that if a token ethnic/religious/sexual orientation ladder-climber and/or power-grabber chases me across Sproul, trying to hand me a glossy slate card with vacant campaign promises about "increasing unity" and "student group outreach"...
MY BONY FIST WILL BACKHAND THEM WITH THE FURY OF A CHEESE GRATER POSSESSED BY THE FAMISHED GHOST OF HANNIBAL LECTER.
and then i will devour their tasty faces.
Yesterday, I was walking down Durant, minding my own fucking business, when this BRIGHT GREEN FLIER pushed its fat ass into my line of sight.
"CalSERVE: 6-week countdown to REAL STUDENT POWER"
that is when i promptly threw myself into oncoming traffic.
or not, but the point of this post is evident. ASUC elections are coming, and just like the fucking 2008 presidential hopefuls, these people are not wasting any time (except yours and mine).
Yes, i ran a campaign last year (believe me, i have a decade in purgatory coming for that one), but i have the distinct feeling that if a token ethnic/religious/sexual orientation ladder-climber and/or power-grabber chases me across Sproul, trying to hand me a glossy slate card with vacant campaign promises about "increasing unity" and "student group outreach"...
MY BONY FIST WILL BACKHAND THEM WITH THE FURY OF A CHEESE GRATER POSSESSED BY THE FAMISHED GHOST OF HANNIBAL LECTER.
and then i will devour their tasty faces.
2.26.2007
please don't let this be considered child pornography
if it is, please don't arrest me.
seriously. i'll take it down.
seriously. i'll take it down.
and now... a prayer
dear baby jesus,
please save me from my sense of humor.
and from my self-destructive tendencies.
and please stop me from turning myself black and blue when i'm drunk (i fall down a lot).
and let me be awesome.
amen. praise the lord.
please save me from my sense of humor.
and from my self-destructive tendencies.
and please stop me from turning myself black and blue when i'm drunk (i fall down a lot).
and let me be awesome.amen. praise the lord.
2.20.2007
2.19.2007
This one's for you, Britney!
I really want to purchase this shirt (available from perezhilton.com) to commemorate my first fascination with celebrity gossip: that bald freak Britney Spears. I've never been interested by the stupid antics of the rich and drunk, but when Stupid Bitch took shears to her head, I couldn't help but say, "OMMMGGG!!!!!" Anyways, this shirt captures my general fascination with her. It also has a certain factor of self-deprecation to it when worn by... me. No, i've never been in rehab. No, i don't need rehab. I am more than willing to recognize my current party pace as over-the-top (for me, not for a frat boy), but i have given myself until the 25th to get it out of my system. Well, that's when i'm tapering off. or SO I SAY!!!Also, in a perfect world: just what i want. 10000 calorie packs. NICE.
EDIT: ommmmmgggggggg
2.17.2007
mixed review
Brace yourself, as you will have a unique reaction to this.
"Hella" has somehow creeped into my vocabulary.
My first reaction:
At first, I was very uncomfortable with the fact that I was dropping H-Bombs unintentionally. And today, for the first time, I used it intentionally in a conversation with Nathan:
Suzanne: man, con law
Suzanne: that's hella exciting and dramatic.
It was at that moment that I was simultaneously disgusted and... PROUD. It was as if I had finally earned my keep in the Bay Area. I've realized that I sorta want to live here for at least a few more years, and so maybe this is my way of embracing the culture without totally losing all respect by getting into the Hyphy movement (see, i don't even think i spelled that correctly). It's not like i'm dropping 50 H-Bombs a day, but I feel comfortable using it from time to time.
Yes, I know it's not a real word. No, I am not a traitor. Hopefully I can drop this habit before I have children so that I don't have a pack of chilluns runnin around, goin dumb with their thizz faces, saying that things are "hecka cool." And no, I will never like grills.
In conclusion, my feeling about my new vocabulary:
Thanks, Hillary. I like you, too. (Believe me, I tried to find a picture of Nancy Pelosi that fit the ticket.)
"Hella" has somehow creeped into my vocabulary.
My first reaction:
At first, I was very uncomfortable with the fact that I was dropping H-Bombs unintentionally. And today, for the first time, I used it intentionally in a conversation with Nathan:
Suzanne: man, con law
Suzanne: that's hella exciting and dramatic.
It was at that moment that I was simultaneously disgusted and... PROUD. It was as if I had finally earned my keep in the Bay Area. I've realized that I sorta want to live here for at least a few more years, and so maybe this is my way of embracing the culture without totally losing all respect by getting into the Hyphy movement (see, i don't even think i spelled that correctly). It's not like i'm dropping 50 H-Bombs a day, but I feel comfortable using it from time to time.
Yes, I know it's not a real word. No, I am not a traitor. Hopefully I can drop this habit before I have children so that I don't have a pack of chilluns runnin around, goin dumb with their thizz faces, saying that things are "hecka cool." And no, I will never like grills.
In conclusion, my feeling about my new vocabulary:
Thanks, Hillary. I like you, too. (Believe me, I tried to find a picture of Nancy Pelosi that fit the ticket.)
2.15.2007
REASONS TO BE FUCKIN ECSTATIC!!!!
1. I just got back from the Tang Center, and I've gained SIX FUCKIN POUNDS, BEYOTCH!!!! Seriously, congratulate me. This is huge for me.
2. I'm allowed to ride my bike to school again. I'm also allowed to do 30 sit-ups a day. SCOOOORE.
3. At least I'm not a white male in my American Cultures Class!!!
4. I'm spending too much money, and as they say, "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."
5. I am 95% sure that Octavio has lost my phone number. WINNER. No more rapping!
6. I got an interview for the position as a barback at Thalassa Pool Hall. Moral of the story: ordering a beer while filling out an application at 2 pm doesn't destroy your chances. Good to know. This will be useful in the future.
7. Sarah Beth discovered scholarships and programs to study Arabic in the Middle East. Yemen, Jordan, Morocco, Cairo.... Essentially, this summer could be GREAT SUCCESS. I mean, really, who just goes to Yemen?
8. Quiz Night at Albatross! Booze AND nerds! Killer combo. And Jovanna? What?! Perrrrfect.
9. Valentine's Day is so much more satisfying when you have nothing to be disappointed about!
10. Costco's Ultra Raisin Bread. Need I say more? (Yes: toasted with a little butter, and it's like a unicorn crapped a rainbow morsel in my mouth.)
11. The weather. Have you seen this shit? I loves it.
12. Seriously, was I the last person to get the memo? Free time is SO satisfying!!!! <3333
I AM THE ETERNAL WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!
2. I'm allowed to ride my bike to school again. I'm also allowed to do 30 sit-ups a day. SCOOOORE.
3. At least I'm not a white male in my American Cultures Class!!!
4. I'm spending too much money, and as they say, "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."
5. I am 95% sure that Octavio has lost my phone number. WINNER. No more rapping!
6. I got an interview for the position as a barback at Thalassa Pool Hall. Moral of the story: ordering a beer while filling out an application at 2 pm doesn't destroy your chances. Good to know. This will be useful in the future.
7. Sarah Beth discovered scholarships and programs to study Arabic in the Middle East. Yemen, Jordan, Morocco, Cairo.... Essentially, this summer could be GREAT SUCCESS. I mean, really, who just goes to Yemen?
8. Quiz Night at Albatross! Booze AND nerds! Killer combo. And Jovanna? What?! Perrrrfect.
9. Valentine's Day is so much more satisfying when you have nothing to be disappointed about!
10. Costco's Ultra Raisin Bread. Need I say more? (Yes: toasted with a little butter, and it's like a unicorn crapped a rainbow morsel in my mouth.)
11. The weather. Have you seen this shit? I loves it.
12. Seriously, was I the last person to get the memo? Free time is SO satisfying!!!! <3333
I AM THE ETERNAL WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!
I drink too many Ensure Pluses
Sometimes I feel like Cartman from the South Park episode "Weight Gain 4000."
Just a thought.
Just a thought.
2.08.2007
What I did before 1 pm today (and then some) - February 7th
This morning my eyes shot open at 7:45 am, which was dreadful because I haven't slept past 8 am in weeks and I'm beginning to think this is a problem. After making a few half-assed attempts to drift back to sleep, I grab my IPod and cell phone and crawl silently off the side of the bed where my now ex-boyfriend slept less than two weeks ago. Bastard. I do my usual morning routine of scouring Facebook and AIM in a desperate attempt to find someone to socialize with - now that I've quit the presidency of my club, lost my boyfriend, and reduced my units all in two weeks, I have a lot of time to socialize. After reading some highbrow humor online (ah, the joys of life), I spend way too much time getting dressed for my longest day, Wednesday, and I leave 10 minutes late for my appointment at the Tang Center where I'll divulge my bizarre control issues to the same lady I've been divulging to since October when the world went thud. Again, I leave Tang 10 minutes late to arrive 10 minutes late to my theater class where, once again, I am grouped with the hip chick that I sort of admire and the douchey guy with a fake accent who speaks a little too softly. 5 minutes late, I run to my office hours at Cafe Milano, and, just as expected, none of my students show up. Instead, I circle music shows with an orange highlighter in a fresh copy of the East Bay Express and debate the merits of stuffing myself sick with food in order to gain weight so I can start exercising again so I can get out some of this aggression that makes me want to bike down to my ex's house, punch him in the face, and then perform a victory lap around Berkeley to "Eye of the Tiger." I stuff myself sick with food.
I am glad to inform you that the rest of my day went up from there like a shot from a flare gun, particularly when I met Doug Bailey, Gerald Ford's Adman. It spiked again when I posed as a Jew and went to the Hillel BBQ, and I was flying like a purty kite after my first writing class (yes, another attempt to fill up my time and socialize). Filled with energy and a giggly fire in my belly, I went to Moe's and bought a new journal, a book I've been meaning to read, and a collection of poetry by some guy named Joe Pachinko called "The Urinals of Hell." Joe apparently robbed a bank at 17, making him my hero. (I mean, really, who robs a bank at 17? Joe does.) I chose this book because of its utter crudeness. There are jewels in here called "Rape Donuts" and "Please Stop Farting." Despite the fact that it sounds like a pubescent boy penned those titles, the poetry is actually honest, raging, and brutally beautiful.
To top off the night, I ran into Jimmy (who has just as much free time as I do - new drinking buddy!) and skipped home to play another round of "My Roommate is Gay" with Sarah Beth. In the vein of the Lyttle Lytton contest (see yesterday's post), Brian shared a "Found Lytton" from an X-Men Young Adult novel that had me rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-my-ass-off for 5 minutes. Prepare yourself:
"There are those who believe the desert isn't empty, but a vast Roman forum where ghosts and monsters erupt from interdimensional portals for the amusement of alien visitors."
Just dissect that sentence. Enjoy. And have a fan-fuckin-tabulous day!
I am glad to inform you that the rest of my day went up from there like a shot from a flare gun, particularly when I met Doug Bailey, Gerald Ford's Adman. It spiked again when I posed as a Jew and went to the Hillel BBQ, and I was flying like a purty kite after my first writing class (yes, another attempt to fill up my time and socialize). Filled with energy and a giggly fire in my belly, I went to Moe's and bought a new journal, a book I've been meaning to read, and a collection of poetry by some guy named Joe Pachinko called "The Urinals of Hell." Joe apparently robbed a bank at 17, making him my hero. (I mean, really, who robs a bank at 17? Joe does.) I chose this book because of its utter crudeness. There are jewels in here called "Rape Donuts" and "Please Stop Farting." Despite the fact that it sounds like a pubescent boy penned those titles, the poetry is actually honest, raging, and brutally beautiful.
To top off the night, I ran into Jimmy (who has just as much free time as I do - new drinking buddy!) and skipped home to play another round of "My Roommate is Gay" with Sarah Beth. In the vein of the Lyttle Lytton contest (see yesterday's post), Brian shared a "Found Lytton" from an X-Men Young Adult novel that had me rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-my-ass-off for 5 minutes. Prepare yourself:
"There are those who believe the desert isn't empty, but a vast Roman forum where ghosts and monsters erupt from interdimensional portals for the amusement of alien visitors."
Just dissect that sentence. Enjoy. And have a fan-fuckin-tabulous day!
2.07.2007
Prepare yourself for brilliance!
This has been one of the funniest hours of my life, courtesy http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html.
Do yourself a favor and read it. All credit for finding this bit of bliss goes to Brian.
Do yourself a favor and read it. All credit for finding this bit of bliss goes to Brian.
2.06.2007
pyoo pyooo pyoooo!
back on top for the day. i've come to terms with my emotions being commodified into top 4o pop hits. i'm going to CalSlam tonight. Had a semi-mind-settling conversation last night.
All in all, i'm going to make this day my bitch.
In other news, i'm going to start working on a poem that follows the Kubler-Ross model of grief. You know, the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance thing? Whatever, wikipedia it. I think I can track my transition between stages, but it seems like such a cold thing to put into steps. So i'm gonna rip it a new asshole! Yay, pop psychology! I started scrawling some ideas for it yesterday. Inspiration was lost when Al and I decided to split a pitcher at the Bear's Lair (yes, on a Monday afternoon. rock.). But really, did I have anything better to do? absolutely not. besides, beer is good and fattening. I was simply accomplishing one of my many goals. The more beer I drink, the sooner I can ride my bike again! (re: yesterday's post... my aggression has subsided. for the moment. kick boxing may be excessive and, frankly, not my style.)
Also, get ready for another Theater 25AC poem! I'm probably going to write something about how i'm too guilty to write something about the grape strike. because. i am.
peacin' out, grout!
All in all, i'm going to make this day my bitch.
In other news, i'm going to start working on a poem that follows the Kubler-Ross model of grief. You know, the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance thing? Whatever, wikipedia it. I think I can track my transition between stages, but it seems like such a cold thing to put into steps. So i'm gonna rip it a new asshole! Yay, pop psychology! I started scrawling some ideas for it yesterday. Inspiration was lost when Al and I decided to split a pitcher at the Bear's Lair (yes, on a Monday afternoon. rock.). But really, did I have anything better to do? absolutely not. besides, beer is good and fattening. I was simply accomplishing one of my many goals. The more beer I drink, the sooner I can ride my bike again! (re: yesterday's post... my aggression has subsided. for the moment. kick boxing may be excessive and, frankly, not my style.)
Also, get ready for another Theater 25AC poem! I'm probably going to write something about how i'm too guilty to write something about the grape strike. because. i am.
peacin' out, grout!
2.05.2007
numbered list
1. i need to gain back weight faster so i can take some kick boxing classes. i need to get out some of this pissy aggression that is caused by bitterness, confusion and too much energy and free time. believe me, it's better than the option of actually punching someone in the face, even though that would be terribly satisfying. in the long run, it would probably not have the desired effect.
2. who wants to go to the Cal Poetry Slam with me on Tuesday night???
3. who wants to go to the SF Indie Film Festival with me? (www.sfindie.com) I think I'm going to buy a 10 movie discount pack, and I want to go to the closing night party at 12 Galaxies. Peruse the listings and tell me if you want to see any of the movies in particular.
4. Kelly Clarkson has entirely too much insight into my life. It's really embarrassing.
5. i'm also looking for people to go to Freight & Salvage with me. Any night. Also, the Starry Plough. Basically, I need someone who has as little to do as i do on any given night of the week to join me for music and alcohol. Or just music.
6. No, i'm not an alcoholic. Being dumped entitles me to at least one month of excessive drinking.
2. who wants to go to the Cal Poetry Slam with me on Tuesday night???
3. who wants to go to the SF Indie Film Festival with me? (www.sfindie.com) I think I'm going to buy a 10 movie discount pack, and I want to go to the closing night party at 12 Galaxies. Peruse the listings and tell me if you want to see any of the movies in particular.
4. Kelly Clarkson has entirely too much insight into my life. It's really embarrassing.
5. i'm also looking for people to go to Freight & Salvage with me. Any night. Also, the Starry Plough. Basically, I need someone who has as little to do as i do on any given night of the week to join me for music and alcohol. Or just music.
6. No, i'm not an alcoholic. Being dumped entitles me to at least one month of excessive drinking.
2.03.2007
Yankee Pot Roast
My favorite website of the day: Yankee Pot Roast. Filled with fun things to read. It is dripping with esoteric references and literary jokes, but there are some choice morsels for everyone. I'm linking you straight to one of these juicy and hilarious tidbits, "HEY POETRY! 10 Poems."
Anyways, I've withheld the link from you long enough. Here it is.
Really now, make sure to poke around. Ridicule of pop culture abounds. It's a good laugh, and we all like laughs nowadays. :)
Anyways, I've withheld the link from you long enough. Here it is.
Really now, make sure to poke around. Ridicule of pop culture abounds. It's a good laugh, and we all like laughs nowadays. :)
1.31.2007
This you may or may not want to know
1. i'm so hyped up on caffeine, i have so much energy, i can't sit still, i'm stuck in class, i can't concentrate, and i can't stop thinking about him. it's like going crazy. and it hurts. how long does this have to last?
2. This is cool.
3. i don't like being single because i feel like i'm being preyed upon. :/ going out is horrible because it's just saying "no" for hours. saying no in words, saying no in body language. it's rejecting people over and over because you know your limits, but they don't know your limits. my limits are very limiting, and they'll be that way for a long while.
4. it's wednesday.
5. and this is funny.
2. This is cool.
3. i don't like being single because i feel like i'm being preyed upon. :/ going out is horrible because it's just saying "no" for hours. saying no in words, saying no in body language. it's rejecting people over and over because you know your limits, but they don't know your limits. my limits are very limiting, and they'll be that way for a long while.
4. it's wednesday.
5. and this is funny.
1.30.2007
just like you
I remember the dream where everything was perfect and real. Too often dreams are either too real or too perfect, but this was wholly perfect and wholly real. Just like you. It’s just like you to show up in my dreams like you are in real life, with your emotions 10 feet tall and your embrace like warm bathwater. And it’s true that you wouldn’t have shaved your face, so in real life I would have felt that sacred rough brush and seen every little hair reaching out towards me, just like in the dream. Maybe you wouldn’t have written a note, and you wouldn’t have been so suddenly eager, because if that were real, right now, I’d be in awe of your 10 foot tall emotions and floating in your bathwater embrace, and I would be flicking your stubble with my nose and softly crying, and I would be reading the note you wrote and my heart would be racing because I would already know the answer to every single question on it. But otherwise, it's just like you.
1.24.2007
another shirt ruined
Girl in my Theater 25AC course: Your shirt reminds me of that song by the Pussycat Dolls. You know, "Buttons."
just fucking great.
just fucking great.
The Pain of a Poli Sci major in a Theater AC class, Part 2
Note to Theater 25AC: Gramsci is insignificant, Adorno is at work
"Neo-imperialism"
was resurrected in 25AC today.
25 racy hands shot up heaven high and
the choir crazed it to hymn.
Then came Hollywood Hegemony,
Blondes and Big Bad Britain.
That's when I heard rotted out
Gramsci roll his creaky carcass
halfway over in his hole
and
in a mute and muddy salute
he howled a Golden Bear growl
before depositing a dry dump in my brain.
"Neo-imperialism"
was resurrected in 25AC today.
25 racy hands shot up heaven high and
the choir crazed it to hymn.
Then came Hollywood Hegemony,
Blondes and Big Bad Britain.
That's when I heard rotted out
Gramsci roll his creaky carcass
halfway over in his hole
and
in a mute and muddy salute
he howled a Golden Bear growl
before depositing a dry dump in my brain.
a plea
Dear Lord,
If you were planning on making women baby-makers, you could have at least gotten the hormone balance right so that we wouldn't be doubled over in wretched pain once a month. Or is this your sick, twisted plot to say, "Haha! If you think this is bad, wait for childbirth!"
You're not very funny.
Reverently,
Suzanne
P.S. The Divine Comedy wasn't funny either.
If you were planning on making women baby-makers, you could have at least gotten the hormone balance right so that we wouldn't be doubled over in wretched pain once a month. Or is this your sick, twisted plot to say, "Haha! If you think this is bad, wait for childbirth!"
You're not very funny.
Reverently,
Suzanne
P.S. The Divine Comedy wasn't funny either.
1.23.2007
yes, it's vague, but...
Dear anonymous being,
i don't know which of you it was, but thank you.
A week ago i would have hunted you down and shot you, but the gravity of the situation hit me over the head this weekend. Today, hearing about what you did... that meant more to me than you can understand.
anyways, if you know what the hell i'm talking about, you should totally tell me who you are. cuz yer awesome. maybe we'll even go get lunch together. ;)
~Suzanne
i don't know which of you it was, but thank you.
A week ago i would have hunted you down and shot you, but the gravity of the situation hit me over the head this weekend. Today, hearing about what you did... that meant more to me than you can understand.
anyways, if you know what the hell i'm talking about, you should totally tell me who you are. cuz yer awesome. maybe we'll even go get lunch together. ;)
~Suzanne
1.21.2007
1.19.2007
Avoiding 271 Barrows: Day 2
Well, I managed to skip Arabic again. I didn't even bother setting an alarm today (I intentionally set my alarm late for Thursday's class).
I really am not sure what I'm attempting to accomplish by not going. I'm supposed to write down my thoughts when I decide not to go. It's largely a desire to avoid the stress of sitting there. This class is insanely stressful to me sometimes. It can also be hugely rewarding if you actually do the work, but when I tried to do my homework on Wednesday evening, I just COULDN'T. So frustrating. >=[
I even created a disguise yesterday so that no one in my class would see me walking around campus. I wore a pair of fake glasses. A few of my friends didn't recognize me. IT WAS AWESOME.
wait, this is the stupidest entry ever. blah blah blah i'm going to go do something else.
I really am not sure what I'm attempting to accomplish by not going. I'm supposed to write down my thoughts when I decide not to go. It's largely a desire to avoid the stress of sitting there. This class is insanely stressful to me sometimes. It can also be hugely rewarding if you actually do the work, but when I tried to do my homework on Wednesday evening, I just COULDN'T. So frustrating. >=[
I even created a disguise yesterday so that no one in my class would see me walking around campus. I wore a pair of fake glasses. A few of my friends didn't recognize me. IT WAS AWESOME.
wait, this is the stupidest entry ever. blah blah blah i'm going to go do something else.
1.18.2007
I'm turning on myself...
A Poem for my American Cultures Professor
Hahaha, Berkeley Teacher
you're so funny
you made another
cheap and easy shot
at George Bush
to a fiercely biased audience.
Hahahow do you do it.
Hahaha, Berkeley Teacher
you're so funny
you made another
cheap and easy shot
at George Bush
to a fiercely biased audience.
Hahahow do you do it.
1.16.2007
On Arthur
Emily majored in astrophysics at UC Berkeley, which helps explain all the astronomical imagery that blazes through this song and occasionally explodes into cosmic epiphany.- from "Always Coming Home: Joanna Newsom" by Erik Davis in the winter 2006 Arthur Magazine.
This is currently my favorite sentence in the world. NAY! In the universe. It's cry-worthy (wow, i really want to erase that, but i won't).
Arthur Magazine is a great bit of reading. It's my required unrequired rag for when I'm feeling particularly out of the mainstream. You can pick up free copies of it from Amoeba here in Berkeley, but it's distributed at a bunch o places by dedicated followers (like my brother Steven, who had the grace to introduce me to it). It's got great articles on politics (no, not very conventional articles on politics), spirituality, music, etc. I believe the magazine's tag line describes it quite well: "A review of life, arts & thought." Of course, this is a review mainly aimed for hip liberals who have a rumbling penchant for the anarchic or wacky. Whatever, I like it.
Winter 2006 has a nice feature on Joanna Newsom - goddess with a harp (minus all the stereotypes?). Anyway, I can't stop listening to her new album Ys, particularly the song "Sawdust and Diamonds." Ten minutes of awesome.
In other news, you can expect me to be blogging a lot (unless, of course, i don't) because I'll be dragging my computer for notes this semester. I've always wanted to do it, but my old clunker was absolutely unwieldy.
1.15.2007
freedom?
this morning, i did not wake up nervous or anxious or anything like that at all.
while i like to think i'm all better, i know this is not a permanent thing. it was brought on by my most excellent boyfriend and the (temporary?) cessation of my marathon mind.
one time i did something to myself so that i would never forget that i'll surely feel low again (an attempt to eliminate false hope). it's times like this am thankful for it and resentful of it, marring my relative enthusiasm.
anyways, hopefully natharr got his lost luggage so that we may celebrate his birthday at soup plantation. (yes, al. that's me being a responsible blogger.)
while i like to think i'm all better, i know this is not a permanent thing. it was brought on by my most excellent boyfriend and the (temporary?) cessation of my marathon mind.
one time i did something to myself so that i would never forget that i'll surely feel low again (an attempt to eliminate false hope). it's times like this am thankful for it and resentful of it, marring my relative enthusiasm.
anyways, hopefully natharr got his lost luggage so that we may celebrate his birthday at soup plantation. (yes, al. that's me being a responsible blogger.)
1.14.2007
1.13.2007
as much as i love her...
i might just be an annoyed, small-boobed girl, but this really pissed me off. Make sure to click the photo to see the enhancement up close (and personal).
Pan's Labyrinth
Totally awesome movie.
Yesterday, I was dragged out to see this Spanish film about a young girl who is actually a princess of the Underworld. Ok, so I had been wanting to see it, so it didn't take Brett much to talk me into going.
Pan's Labyrinth was absolutely beautiful. It was dark and haunting, set against the backdrop of WWII. I love movies like this; it was truly a movie for adults, a fairy tale pressed into a war story. It was brutally graphic at times, and I could never imagine showing this film to any child (NIGHTMARES).
It's playing down at Shattuck Cinemas in Berkeley. I recommend it for most people. I know that it's going to stick with me for a long time.
Yesterday, I was dragged out to see this Spanish film about a young girl who is actually a princess of the Underworld. Ok, so I had been wanting to see it, so it didn't take Brett much to talk me into going.
Pan's Labyrinth was absolutely beautiful. It was dark and haunting, set against the backdrop of WWII. I love movies like this; it was truly a movie for adults, a fairy tale pressed into a war story. It was brutally graphic at times, and I could never imagine showing this film to any child (NIGHTMARES).
It's playing down at Shattuck Cinemas in Berkeley. I recommend it for most people. I know that it's going to stick with me for a long time.
1.12.2007
1.06.2007
boogey man
i hope you're all feeling better than i am.
For your entertainment..
A Rorschach Inkblot Test, courtesy my MacBook.
For your entertainment..
A Rorschach Inkblot Test, courtesy my MacBook.
fact: i'm not wearing any clothes
1:03 am - i wanted to go online and bitch about stuff to people, but it appears that most of the world is already asleep. talking to myself while doing ab crunches will suffice.
in other news, i realized tonight that i am not ready to go back to school. i have slightly over a week, but i know that on the day classes begins, i will just keep saying, "this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening."
Maybe i should take a semester off? If i had a free spirit (or something equally ridiculous... or a hell of a lot of money), I would drop out school for the semester and take up performance art. Or just reading. And writing. I'd land myself a sweet, sweet columnist position with Arthur Magazine (no, NEVER the Daily Cal) or lie around all day reading Hakim Bey. If i didn't have to fear daily Arabic classes, Cal Dems, or any other commitments i have a hard time turning down, then my life would probably retain a lot of its lows. but at least i wouldn't have to stress. and while i'd still be miserable, at least i'd get to do what the hell i would like to do. This includes:
*walking dogs a lot
*cooking salmon
*reading lots and lots of poetry
*rediscovering good music (i'm talking townes van zandt and shostakovitch here)
*taking a writing class
*taking some dance class (ballet might cause too much anxiety, jazz would probably be more healthy)
*lots of pointless trips (this is where that hell of a lot of money comes in handy)
*spending a month in paris again (always a good way to alter your view on shit)
*a good helping of sex. yes. there. i said it.
*moving to a hovel that i may decorate to my liking (largely moroccan influence)
in retrospect, it sounds like i'm turning into some strange version of my brother.
ok. now it's regretfully time to close this book. i feel crushed letting all these wild ideas go, but i know that i simply can't do that right now. I could say fuck society and do it, but i'm already too far in. The options are few, and some of the best ones are quite grim. So i'll say i'm sticking it out for the time being. and since i have a cumbersome sense of guilt, i won't drop the ball on other people.
I watched A Scanner Darkly tonight. I know there's a million messages you're supposed to pick up before the ones i chose to weigh me down. But really, we're all dying in the end. And most days i'd say that it's totally worth it. There's the love and the kids and the friends and the blah blah blah fuck your face. but man. i think about people and the shit they go through, and i can't help but think, "damn. that's going to happen to me too. i don't want to deal with that." and then i think about my head and how some things just don't seem to have a solution. even the best parts of my life are tainted. i don't think i could stand them falling apart too.
ok, this is getting more mopey than i had planned when i started. it's poorly written and a crap pile of vague emotions. let's ditch this shit. everything's fine. everything's fun. everything is one pill away. THUMBS UP!
in other news, i realized tonight that i am not ready to go back to school. i have slightly over a week, but i know that on the day classes begins, i will just keep saying, "this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening."
Maybe i should take a semester off? If i had a free spirit (or something equally ridiculous... or a hell of a lot of money), I would drop out school for the semester and take up performance art. Or just reading. And writing. I'd land myself a sweet, sweet columnist position with Arthur Magazine (no, NEVER the Daily Cal) or lie around all day reading Hakim Bey. If i didn't have to fear daily Arabic classes, Cal Dems, or any other commitments i have a hard time turning down, then my life would probably retain a lot of its lows. but at least i wouldn't have to stress. and while i'd still be miserable, at least i'd get to do what the hell i would like to do. This includes:
*walking dogs a lot
*cooking salmon
*reading lots and lots of poetry
*rediscovering good music (i'm talking townes van zandt and shostakovitch here)
*taking a writing class
*taking some dance class (ballet might cause too much anxiety, jazz would probably be more healthy)
*lots of pointless trips (this is where that hell of a lot of money comes in handy)
*spending a month in paris again (always a good way to alter your view on shit)
*a good helping of sex. yes. there. i said it.
*moving to a hovel that i may decorate to my liking (largely moroccan influence)
in retrospect, it sounds like i'm turning into some strange version of my brother.
ok. now it's regretfully time to close this book. i feel crushed letting all these wild ideas go, but i know that i simply can't do that right now. I could say fuck society and do it, but i'm already too far in. The options are few, and some of the best ones are quite grim. So i'll say i'm sticking it out for the time being. and since i have a cumbersome sense of guilt, i won't drop the ball on other people.
I watched A Scanner Darkly tonight. I know there's a million messages you're supposed to pick up before the ones i chose to weigh me down. But really, we're all dying in the end. And most days i'd say that it's totally worth it. There's the love and the kids and the friends and the blah blah blah fuck your face. but man. i think about people and the shit they go through, and i can't help but think, "damn. that's going to happen to me too. i don't want to deal with that." and then i think about my head and how some things just don't seem to have a solution. even the best parts of my life are tainted. i don't think i could stand them falling apart too.
ok, this is getting more mopey than i had planned when i started. it's poorly written and a crap pile of vague emotions. let's ditch this shit. everything's fine. everything's fun. everything is one pill away. THUMBS UP!
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