STACK ATTACK

things i have stacked lately:

really expensive food models AKA "worst sandwich ever"
>collaboration with M.F.


*holding breath*


TAAA-DAAAA!


all things must come to an end

TO BE CONTINUED

New World Record or something....

I think I may have achieved a human first yesterday.

I accidentally elbowed myself in the stomach.

It hurt. Bad.

I was trying to open a door.


right arm: poised to open door, elbow tucked towards stomach
door: heavier than it appears
body: puts weight on door, runs into elbow
right elbow: embeds itself into stomach
body: buckles over, yet tries to maintain dignity until outside the store


Believe me. It's so very possible and painful.

Happy Holidays

Turkey Hangover

My family strategically positioned themselves to make it nearly impossible to escape the family room. I considered waking them up, but then i realized i have self-interests and wanted to use the bathroom before them.

pay special attention to the italics, please

Uh-oh. The mannequins at Limited Too might have bigger boobs than i do.




I've been out-boobed by a five foot tall pre-teen mannequin.



At least i have 10 or so inches on their short, scrawny asses.

Monks: Total Tools

So my friend recently spoke to a monk on the street.

Uh-oh.

I think monks are really cool and all, but only on a theoretical level. You have to wonder what actually drives one to the ascetic life of a monk (and I mean hardcore robe-donning type). It's clearly not a mainstream human being that does this, and i know a whole lot of non-mainstream folk who don't become monks either. Monks have to have a special mix of love for bald heads and an affinity for strict dogma, which basically makes them Neo-Nazis.

I know there's a monk in every monastery who will make me feel like a complete assmunch for assuming he's an Aryan Abbot (instead of a totally enlightened Patrick Stewart), but i just had to come out and say it. Yes, I think monks are theoretically awesome and really cool in some situations, but too many people say that they'd just looooooove to be a monk. Guys, it's probably pretty boring at times. And your head i likely to get cold. And the clothes look like they itch. Who actually chooses that lifestyle?

And I don't know if i'd want a monk as a friend. Yeah, you'd get the chance to say "My friend THE MONK" but for every person who thought it was cool, you'd get another person thinking that you're just full of shit. (See, I used to be able to say, "My boyfriend is an actual Ninja." Most of my time was either spent explaining how that was true or just being sorta embarrassed.)

Hanging out with a monk might not be as enlightening as it may seem. I sense that i'd feel really guilty and stupid while they'd be using mystic mantras to steer ghostly swoops around my corporal body with their divine aura. Everyday conversations would just plain blow.

Me: When is the next train?
Normal Friend: Same time tomorrow.
Me: Oh, what time is it now?
Normal Friend: Five.
Monk Friend: *gliding in* This day will not come again. Each minute is a priceless gem.
Me: Um...
Monk Friend: *glowing* No need to check your watch. The time is now.
Me: Man, fuck you and your glowing.

Or...

Me: *Painting portrait* Seriously dude, I need you to stop moving or this is going to look like shit.
Monk Friend: It is not I. It is your mind that is moving.
Me: ...Right. But it's really gonna look like shit if you keep shifting.
Monk Friend: It is not the painting that looks like shit, it is you-
Me: OH COME ON! YOU CAN'T BE A REAL PERSON!


Monks: Theoretically Awesome, yet realistically creepy.

wow, so i wrote all of that just to get to these pictures i really want to show you. That friend I talked about way up at the beginning? He ended up buying a book from said monk, and it had all these AMAZING drawings in it. Now, I don't have any desire to go to hell or be reincarnated as Phil Angelides, so I'll do little more than make my observations and leave it as that (if i can hold myself back).

While I originally found these in my friend's book, these photos are courtesy krishna.com (i think).


This is an impressive drawing, to say the least. I'd just like to call your attention to the fetus flying through space.



I laughed, I cried, but I don't even know where to begin with this karmic drawing.


I think I'll let monks have a break now.

in the balance

Tonight I was driving home listening to some really lame music, but it was OK because i was wearing a really cool sweater.

holy shit

Recent events have shown me how i've lost touch with the real world. And by "real world", i mean Berkeley.

I ditched out of Berkeley quite a few months ago to take care of some things back at home. When i left, a lot of things were... shitty, and since i've been at home, things have been about 1,000,000% better. So, in my mind, things have returned to exactly the Berkeley-status i like - i feel good, i have good relationships with people (and the promise of good relationships), and people unquestionably know me for the 1,000,000% awesomer person i am now.

My mind took a still shot of berkeley, and those images, without the bad stuff, have been carved into my mind over the past few months. i expect all to see me like i never bailed out, like i'm that rockstar i was. I neglected to remember that people change and grow and probably remember me as that crazy person i was before i left.

holy shit. What a wake-up call. I thought i didn't need to do shit to pop back into my place. You're telling me i have to earn people's hearts and minds back?

I feel like some stupid politician trying to get reelected.



Note: "Hella" is pandering to my East Bay constituency.

If you would like to donate to my campaign, to keep the spirit of Berkeley alive, please go to my facebook wall and talk about how hella cool i am. Or if you would like to volunteer, i can give you a script with a bunch of lines about how berkeley hella needs hella cool people, like suzanne. Then we'll add in something like "hyphy" and get Oakland in on the spirit too.

This is my masterminded political campaign. I clearly forgot everything I learned in Dan Schnur's class.