please don't let this be considered child pornography

if it is, please don't arrest me.
seriously. i'll take it down.

and now... a prayer

dear baby jesus,

please save me from my sense of humor.

and from my self-destructive tendencies.


and please stop me from turning myself black and blue when i'm drunk (i fall down a lot).


and let me be awesome.

amen. praise the lord.

this is what i do for a living

if you've seen me drink, you'll recognize the parallels.

This one's for you, Britney!

I really want to purchase this shirt (available from perezhilton.com) to commemorate my first fascination with celebrity gossip: that bald freak Britney Spears. I've never been interested by the stupid antics of the rich and drunk, but when Stupid Bitch took shears to her head, I couldn't help but say, "OMMMGGG!!!!!" Anyways, this shirt captures my general fascination with her. It also has a certain factor of self-deprecation to it when worn by... me. No, i've never been in rehab. No, i don't need rehab. I am more than willing to recognize my current party pace as over-the-top (for me, not for a frat boy), but i have given myself until the 25th to get it out of my system. Well, that's when i'm tapering off. or SO I SAY!!!

Also, in a perfect world: just what i want. 10000 calorie packs. NICE.

EDIT: ommmmmgggggggg

mixed review

Brace yourself, as you will have a unique reaction to this.

"Hella" has somehow creeped into my vocabulary.

My first reaction:


At first, I was very uncomfortable with the fact that I was dropping H-Bombs unintentionally. And today, for the first time, I used it intentionally in a conversation with Nathan:

Suzanne: man, con law
Suzanne: that's hella exciting and dramatic.

It was at that moment that I was simultaneously disgusted and... PROUD. It was as if I had finally earned my keep in the Bay Area. I've realized that I sorta want to live here for at least a few more years, and so maybe this is my way of embracing the culture without totally losing all respect by getting into the Hyphy movement (see, i don't even think i spelled that correctly). It's not like i'm dropping 50 H-Bombs a day, but I feel comfortable using it from time to time.

Yes, I know it's not a real word. No, I am not a traitor. Hopefully I can drop this habit before I have children so that I don't have a pack of chilluns runnin around, goin dumb with their thizz faces, saying that things are "hecka cool." And no, I will never like grills.

In conclusion, my feeling about my new vocabulary:

Thanks, Hillary. I like you, too. (Believe me, I tried to find a picture of Nancy Pelosi that fit the ticket.)

what to look at when you're lonely

this makes everything feel a little bit better.

REASONS TO BE FUCKIN ECSTATIC!!!!

1. I just got back from the Tang Center, and I've gained SIX FUCKIN POUNDS, BEYOTCH!!!! Seriously, congratulate me. This is huge for me.

2. I'm allowed to ride my bike to school again. I'm also allowed to do 30 sit-ups a day. SCOOOORE.

3. At least I'm not a white male in my American Cultures Class!!!

4. I'm spending too much money, and as they say, "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."

5. I am 95% sure that Octavio has lost my phone number. WINNER. No more rapping!

6. I got an interview for the position as a barback at Thalassa Pool Hall. Moral of the story: ordering a beer while filling out an application at 2 pm doesn't destroy your chances. Good to know. This will be useful in the future.

7. Sarah Beth discovered scholarships and programs to study Arabic in the Middle East. Yemen, Jordan, Morocco, Cairo.... Essentially, this summer could be GREAT SUCCESS. I mean, really, who just goes to Yemen?

8. Quiz Night at Albatross! Booze AND nerds! Killer combo. And Jovanna? What?! Perrrrfect.

9. Valentine's Day is so much more satisfying when you have nothing to be disappointed about!

10. Costco's Ultra Raisin Bread. Need I say more? (Yes: toasted with a little butter, and it's like a unicorn crapped a rainbow morsel in my mouth.)

11. The weather. Have you seen this shit? I loves it.

12. Seriously, was I the last person to get the memo? Free time is SO satisfying!!!! <3333

I AM THE ETERNAL WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!

I drink too many Ensure Pluses

Sometimes I feel like Cartman from the South Park episode "Weight Gain 4000."

Just a thought.

What I did before 1 pm today (and then some) - February 7th

This morning my eyes shot open at 7:45 am, which was dreadful because I haven't slept past 8 am in weeks and I'm beginning to think this is a problem. After making a few half-assed attempts to drift back to sleep, I grab my IPod and cell phone and crawl silently off the side of the bed where my now ex-boyfriend slept less than two weeks ago. Bastard. I do my usual morning routine of scouring Facebook and AIM in a desperate attempt to find someone to socialize with - now that I've quit the presidency of my club, lost my boyfriend, and reduced my units all in two weeks, I have a lot of time to socialize. After reading some highbrow humor online (ah, the joys of life), I spend way too much time getting dressed for my longest day, Wednesday, and I leave 10 minutes late for my appointment at the Tang Center where I'll divulge my bizarre control issues to the same lady I've been divulging to since October when the world went thud. Again, I leave Tang 10 minutes late to arrive 10 minutes late to my theater class where, once again, I am grouped with the hip chick that I sort of admire and the douchey guy with a fake accent who speaks a little too softly. 5 minutes late, I run to my office hours at Cafe Milano, and, just as expected, none of my students show up. Instead, I circle music shows with an orange highlighter in a fresh copy of the East Bay Express and debate the merits of stuffing myself sick with food in order to gain weight so I can start exercising again so I can get out some of this aggression that makes me want to bike down to my ex's house, punch him in the face, and then perform a victory lap around Berkeley to "Eye of the Tiger." I stuff myself sick with food.

I am glad to inform you that the rest of my day went up from there like a shot from a flare gun, particularly when I met Doug Bailey, Gerald Ford's Adman. It spiked again when I posed as a Jew and went to the Hillel BBQ, and I was flying like a purty kite after my first writing class (yes, another attempt to fill up my time and socialize). Filled with energy and a giggly fire in my belly, I went to Moe's and bought a new journal, a book I've been meaning to read, and a collection of poetry by some guy named Joe Pachinko called "The Urinals of Hell." Joe apparently robbed a bank at 17, making him my hero. (I mean, really, who robs a bank at 17? Joe does.) I chose this book because of its utter crudeness. There are jewels in here called "Rape Donuts" and "Please Stop Farting." Despite the fact that it sounds like a pubescent boy penned those titles, the poetry is actually honest, raging, and brutally beautiful.

To top off the night, I ran into Jimmy (who has just as much free time as I do - new drinking buddy!) and skipped home to play another round of "My Roommate is Gay" with Sarah Beth. In the vein of the Lyttle Lytton contest (see yesterday's post), Brian shared a "Found Lytton" from an X-Men Young Adult novel that had me rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-my-ass-off for 5 minutes. Prepare yourself:

"There are those who believe the desert isn't empty, but a vast Roman forum where ghosts and monsters erupt from interdimensional portals for the amusement of alien visitors."

Just dissect that sentence. Enjoy. And have a fan-fuckin-tabulous day!

Prepare yourself for brilliance!

This has been one of the funniest hours of my life, courtesy http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html.

Do yourself a favor and read it. All credit for finding this bit of bliss goes to Brian.

pyoo pyooo pyoooo!

back on top for the day. i've come to terms with my emotions being commodified into top 4o pop hits. i'm going to CalSlam tonight. Had a semi-mind-settling conversation last night.

All in all, i'm going to make this day my bitch.

In other news, i'm going to start working on a poem that follows the Kubler-Ross model of grief. You know, the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance thing? Whatever, wikipedia it. I think I can track my transition between stages, but it seems like such a cold thing to put into steps. So i'm gonna rip it a new asshole! Yay, pop psychology! I started scrawling some ideas for it yesterday. Inspiration was lost when Al and I decided to split a pitcher at the Bear's Lair (yes, on a Monday afternoon. rock.). But really, did I have anything better to do? absolutely not. besides, beer is good and fattening. I was simply accomplishing one of my many goals. The more beer I drink, the sooner I can ride my bike again! (re: yesterday's post... my aggression has subsided. for the moment. kick boxing may be excessive and, frankly, not my style.)

Also, get ready for another Theater 25AC poem! I'm probably going to write something about how i'm too guilty to write something about the grape strike. because. i am.

peacin' out, grout!

numbered list

1. i need to gain back weight faster so i can take some kick boxing classes. i need to get out some of this pissy aggression that is caused by bitterness, confusion and too much energy and free time. believe me, it's better than the option of actually punching someone in the face, even though that would be terribly satisfying. in the long run, it would probably not have the desired effect.

2. who wants to go to the Cal Poetry Slam with me on Tuesday night???

3. who wants to go to the SF Indie Film Festival with me? (www.sfindie.com) I think I'm going to buy a 10 movie discount pack, and I want to go to the closing night party at 12 Galaxies. Peruse the listings and tell me if you want to see any of the movies in particular.

4. Kelly Clarkson has entirely too much insight into my life. It's really embarrassing.

5. i'm also looking for people to go to Freight & Salvage with me. Any night. Also, the Starry Plough. Basically, I need someone who has as little to do as i do on any given night of the week to join me for music and alcohol. Or just music.

6. No, i'm not an alcoholic. Being dumped entitles me to at least one month of excessive drinking.

Yankee Pot Roast

My favorite website of the day: Yankee Pot Roast. Filled with fun things to read. It is dripping with esoteric references and literary jokes, but there are some choice morsels for everyone. I'm linking you straight to one of these juicy and hilarious tidbits, "HEY POETRY! 10 Poems."

Anyways, I've withheld the link from you long enough. Here it is.

Really now, make sure to poke around. Ridicule of pop culture abounds. It's a good laugh, and we all like laughs nowadays. :)